My spiritual journey has evolved over this time. Most of my life I considered myself a Christian and had belonged to many churches and even helped start satellite gatherings. I have always believed in God and that I have had a purpose here in this life. My center today and all that I do and accomplish revolves around my spiritual beliefs. I have come to a place where I focus daily on my walk with my God and being centered through him. I no longer live by what I should do…guilt…judgment. My perspective on religion, being spiritual and God centered are different now and I am continually looking to apply truth and balance to my life.
When you become open in life great things happen. One morning I went for a walk and was meditating on what to do with my career and my personal healing and I had that overwhelming feeling, like words washing over me, which I have had many times, tell me “be open”. I thought wow, what a message. Ok, I kept telling myself to be open; I would focus on it in my quite meditations and prayers and just try and feel open.
The internet is a wonderful tool and has been an amazing conduit to my direct healing. I am a faithful follower of a certain social networking site and I joined a group from my high school. I thought what the heck; I think I am ready to deal with my past. Well, I had someone find me and that opened the door to finding a lot more people from my past. Little by little my friends were growing, conversations were in the works and it felt safe. I thought, hey, this does not hurt too badly. The good memories of my past were flooding in as I did not choose to remember them, only the bad ones. Well, I found that past love that shattered my heart 24 years ago. We started talking and I finally got my closure. All of those feelings that I had for him that I was too scared to tell him at the time rose to the surface. My heart was burning with love and passion. It was like my heart came out into the sun and could feel the warmth again. I was raw with emotion. Things were said that needed to be said and the feelings needed to be felt. In one night, my heart was fully restored, the wall came crashing down and I was reconnected with that part of me that I lost so long ago. That message of “be open” was not job related it was for my life in general. Amazingly….not even a week later I came home to a message on my answering machine from my mother telling me that my daughter from my first marriage found her and wanted to talk to me. Holy crap! I called her that night and it was an evening of restoration, immense love and forgiveness. My precious daughter whom never left my mind and heart wanted me in her life after almost 18 years. I was planning a trip the week before to return to AZ to sit, heal and open up that chapter of my life. I knew she was my healing, the last piece. At this time I never imagined that she would be calling, out there at the same time and open to have me in her life. I sit back in awe sometimes as to what all has happened and the healing and restoration I have experienced this year and it blows my mind.
It gets better though. So I am building my relationship with my daughter, my other daughters are excited and open to her. No more fear, no feelings like I am going to be judged anymore for my decision. Just love, abundant love and joy. My life is centered; I am happy with being by myself and I finally feel complete. I have been opening myself to the thought of a relationship again. I have dated and I have wanted to share my life with someone. I loved being married, this time it is for the right reasons; companionship, heart nurturing, and friendship. I know what I want and I am not willing to settle anymore. I want that relationship that is right from the start, no changing, and no controlling, honest and pure. I went for a walk in the morning as I always do and I had that feeling wash over me again. This time it was “let go”. I was trying to control finding that person and whomever I would meet I would think that maybe that was the man and try to make the pieces fit into the mold I had imagined as my ideal mate. I sat down a while back and imagined who that ideal person for me was. Everything from hair color, a little edgy, a builder or creative type of some sort, emotionally available, funny, and so on. I was not waiting for him to find me, instead I was controling the situation and trying to find him. I thought him up and honestly believed that he was out there for me, we just had not met yet.
I was becoming friends with all sorts of people from my past during this time and whammo! I got a message from a man that I grew up with and was one of my brothers close friends. He was a rebel and off limits. He was always around and I knew him very well. Now you probably know what I am going to say next….yes, he is the guy. The one I have been holding onto in my brain, heart and soul. He came to me through a little message ….hey Jessica; it’s been a long time…you look amazing. That message opened a door to non-stop talking, reconnecting and in a week he was flying across the country to see me to see if this connection was for real. I am deeply in love with him and we are starting our new life together. We are at the same place emotionally, both been through a hard life and all the ups and downs it brings. We are both entering the best part of our lives because we know who we are and what we want. Be open….restoration and healing so I could love myself and him when he came. Let go to wait and watch for him.
Again…I am left in awe, sometimes I say pinch me cause this is so good. Life is a journey and if you are open to it you can embrace the faults, mini or big tragedies and turn them around to build a strong foundation for you to stand on. It is hard, there will be a lot of crying and pain but it can be done, it is temporary and you will be on the other side amazed at the power of you and what you are capable of. You will replace your victim banner with one of love and empowerment.
My desire is that my story here will touch, amaze and encourage you. This life I have found is a series of lessons to learn and to share with others. We are women that are strong. Our strengths are love, patience, understanding and support. We are rocks and we need to first learn to love ourselves. We are great in few and many -- always remember that and who you are. Find that little girl in you and go give her a hug and have some ice cream under a tree. Tell her that you love her and that she is special and that you adore her. You make it safe for her to come out and grow. It is up to you….no one else. I know you can do it because I did.
My love to you all –
Jess
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